Welcome back to MAFS: Summertime Camp edition! For the kickoff time in the experiment, and for totally not COVID-related reasons, all our couples have been booted out of the hotel and off to a "couple's retreat". What horrors await them at the soon-to-be-trashed luxury adaptation? Do let's observe out!

First, of course, anybody has to debrief about Bryce'southward boneheaded stunt concluding night. Jason, who is simply a little lizard with a picayune lizard brain, is trying to tell Alana that Bryce was "heroic" for writing "leave", crossing it out, and then writing "stay". Alana is non ownership it, considering she is a homo being with a performance frontal lobe and heart. That bullshit hurt Melissa and was macho posturing at its absolute worst and stupidest.

nah but like it was fully ill actually

Down the hall, Liss is saying that her confession about her growing feelings for Bryce was overshadowed past his bombshell. No shit, Liss! The human is the lexicon definition of overshadowing! She asks Bryce for some clarity. "How did y'all think that I was going to have that?" she says.

He tries to reiterate that it was an effort toprotect her. "If you lot wrote go out, and I wrote stay, information technology was me being selfish keeping you in a situation that you didn't desire to be in," he says. This is so stupid, considering obviously she was always going to write stay. She accurately points out that it should accept been something that they decided together. He'southward like yeah, that's why I crossed it out and wrote stay.

Mmhmm. Sure. Every bit most a million people on Twitter pointed out, this fuckknuckle wrote "leave" with plenty of room to write "stay" underneath information technology. He knew what he was doing right from the get-go.

Liss is very transparent with him. She says it embarrassed her, and information technology brought up her fears of beingness abandoned. Bryce says he hopes she tin understand why he did what he did.

"Of course I do," says Liss. "And I truly respect it, that you lot look out for me and you're looking out for my best interests." Are we actually watching someone being brainwashed hither? I feel similar I'thousand losing my fucking mind.

how are me and Bryce doing exactly the same matter right now fucking hell

Bryce apologises for what he did, and then gives a footling speech to camera about how sorry it makes him to encounter people bullying his wife. Mate! You're the fucking peachy! They decide to attempt to avoid Bec as much as possible on the retreat. Best of luck with that.

Meanwhile Bec is pissed every bit hell about being chosen a dandy. She reckons she's always had Melissa'south best interests at middle, and that'due south why she brought upwards the fact that Bryce was flirting with her in the gym. He responded to beingness called out past calling her a nifty.

"He is so egotistic," she says, "it's revolting."

*delicate retching*

Jake is pissed off as well, and I love to see it. Noble himbo way really suits him. At least Bryce's dickheadery is bring these 2 babes closer together – they're fully united confronting the bad brick man.

I've got something else he can unite with, ifyaknowwhatimean

Downwards the hall, Booka and Brett are all the same in carve up rooms. Booka wanted to exit last nighttime, but Brett chose to stay. She is having trouble getting her head around this. So am I!

at to the lowest degree I'll get a full album out of this. maybe two

Brett is saying some crap most how information technology'd be "a deplorable way to end things", and that every now and then there'south magic between them, and that's why he chose to stay. Rubbish. Some producer is conspicuously belongings his weed supply earnest and you can't convince me otherwise.

Everyone's packing for vacation and Jason is getting mad at Alana's vibrator. Very healthy masculinity areas hither, folks.

yucky!!!!!!

Of class Alana's not helping things past maxim that if she hadto choose and then she guesses… she'd choose… Jason…

convincing

The vibrator manages to switch on while they're cramming the suitcase closed. That's it! Jason isn't having it! Vibey is staying at abode for this holiday! Good lord. It's similar something from an early flavor of Sex and the City. And the vibe isn't fifty-fifty shaped similar a dick! Ahh whatever, everyone go on the omnibus. It'south couple's retreat time!

Everyone piles off the Greyhound at a truly ostentatious luxury retreat/pandemic denial headquarters. There are floaty puddle toys. There is a behemothic outdoor chess set (the site of Belinda and Pat's starting time consummation? God I promise so). There is Daddy John telling us some garbage about how it's an opportunity for the couples to go outside their relationship bubbles and move things forth, by… making them unwillingly move into an unrealistically costly sharehouse?

not pictured: inundation recycling bins and empty loo rolls

Bryce is like a brick in shit. He's stoked to have the chance to spy on the residual of the couples, because he's a dimwitted drama queen with no graphic symbol and as such needs to be constantly snooping on other people to go on himself entertained.

He and Liss stumble upon a questionably-busy merely otherwise unclaimed fleck of accommodation, and Bryce shrieks "Shotgun!" like the spoilt nine-twelvemonth-old he is. He leaves her to go take hold of the bags and his henchlizard, Jason. Melissa is merely stoked that they get to be abroad from Bec and Jake in their own house.

oh, fiddlesticks

Oh, who'southward this walking upwards the driveway? Information technology'due south Bec and Jake, obviously, hither to wander through this hidden oasis and cast judgement while drinking champagne bitchily. It's a bang-up look simply I'm worried for Melissa, who seems virtually to separate into her individual molecules from stress.

Bryce and the lizard return and the tension immediately becomes so intense it makes my eyes water. Jason's like, "Who's staying hither? Are both you guys staying hither?" and one tin practically see the producers behind the camera egging on Bec and Jake to say that they've decided they'll be staying in that hideous piano bed.

the shit we let rich people get away with, I swear

Bec's like, Ooh, shall we be bad and stay here? while Jake tries to signal with his eyebrows that he'd rather take his chances bedding down with one of the resident geese than remain inside fifty feet of Bryce. Meanwhile Bryce takes Melissa's hand and is similar "Come with me. Watch," while striding into the pianoforte bedroom. Jason, being a lizard with a healthy sense of cocky-preservation, is outta there.

"I'm not getting involved in that," he says sensibly, scampering down the driveway and back to his travel terrarium.

soiya!

Bryce's grand plan to scare off Bec and Jake is to come and sit on the ugly leather couch in the piano sleeping accommodation. To be fair, if he came and sat downward with a Toohey's Actress Dry in my bedroom I'd get out immediately, so maybe it'southward not such a bad tactic.

chilling stuff

In any instance it works. Bec wanders into the kitchen and announces loudly that she doesn't want to hang out with those two anyhow. "They're simulated news," she says to no-one in particular. "Permit's become accept some actual fun."

She'south not mad that they've got the private guesthouse! She's laughing, actually! It'south great that they're not going to be hanging around with everyone else, ruining their holiday!

let'south become be hot and confident where more people tin meet us

Back inside, Liss is nifty to go see how everyone else is getting along. Bryce agrees – he wants to come across "what everyone's been saying about us backside our backs". This preoccupation with what other people think about him is blowing my fucking mind. It is painful to watch. More importantly it's BORING. Someone needs to step in and terminate this stain of a man running his god damn mouth, too, 'cos he's back on his macho bullshit most how everyone should "lookout out" if he finds out they've been gossiping about him and Liss.

Oh god and then he has the Audacity to propose that he and Melissa should run a CLINIC on how to exist in a successful relationship!!!! The man's mediocrity knows no bounds. He's like the human apotheosis of the Dunning-Kruger outcome.

mate have I got some within tips about Dogecoin y'all're gonna want to hear

Back at the main firm, Jason's being a happy little lizard nearly how things are going with Alana. We've all seen the previews, though, and we know that things are going to become tits-up thank you to (who else) fucking Bryce.

Meanwhile Booka is lamenting existence a single gal on a couple'southward retreat. Extremely fair. She reckons it's up to Brett to come and talk to her and wait, sorry, what is that Rug?!

hello, 000? I'd like to study another rich person law-breaking

Anyhow I recall it's only reasonable for Booka to expect Brett to fix things, considering he's the one who'southward trapped her here. He reckons now's the perfect time to rekindle their romance. Sure, babe.

Anybody's doing their best to act like they're really on holiday. Johnny's taking some shirtless found-footage horror movie establishing shots, and Bryce and Melissa are traumatising one of the blow-up swans.

release me from this vinyl prison

Patrick has decided he'd similar some more concrete attention from the bounding main witch, and then he's organised a trip to the spa. A quick side note – I do love how MAFS expects united states to continue to believe the "he'south organised a surprise" narrative. I can fucking run into you and your clipboard, Toni! I know yous're orchestrating this shit!

Anyhow Patrick is doing his all-time to tell his bedazzled-hat-wearing marine mythological effigy of a married woman that he is really developing feelings for her. "I'one thousand just really into ya," he says eloquently. "I'm falling for you."

"Hmm," says Belinda, going the color of a cooked prawn. "Cheers for sharing. Um… um."

perhaps if yous said it in a serial of clicks and whistles

No!!! Don't make this underwater deity endeavor to feign interest in her mortal plaything! Especially not while wearing that hat!

She looks genuinely flustered. And so, thankfully, she says it feels practiced to hear him say that he's falling for her. "I don't really want to think about united states of america non being together," she says. "I can't imagine united states going our split ways. I don't desire our lives to exist apart. I feel like I'd be missing something."

I remember that's about as skillful as you're going to get from the bounding main witch this week, mate! And a cheeky pash, proceed.

mm, briny

Information technology'south nearly time for dinner, so everyone's getting dolled upwardly. Kerry is telling Johnny my number one favourite joke, and he's not getting information technology. Fucking amateur hour over hither.

she SAID, what COMES before Office B?

Dinner is a selection of Coles sliced meats, a packet of Captain's Table and a cucumber, plus all the Five Seeds they can drink. Glad to see that MAFS' approach to responsible drinking extends to the couples' camp also.

balanced

Brett's droning on about wanting to patch things upwards with Booka, to which I say Good Fucking Luck, as here she comes in her own version of Princess Di's revenge dress, looking besides skilful for every homo on world permit lone an emotionally incontinent moustache.

hachi machi!!!!

Brett picks his way over to requite her a hello hug. She doesn't want a bar of information technology. Become your tiki shirt out of the People's Princess's presence immediately.

I've pushed people down the stairs for less, yous know

Meanwhile Bec is sucking down the ciders like she'south getting paid to (which she is) and expounding on how proficient it is that Bryce isn't here. Who should prove up just then simply the tenants of the coveted private guesthouse?

Fifty-fifty though Bec's the ane who's making noises well-nigh "putting Bryce back in his box", information technology's Patrick YET AGAIN who kicks things off. This guy is a night fucking horse when it comes to inciting drama!

who's the holy guacamole now, motherfucker

No sooner have Bryce and Melissa sabbatum downwardly than he asks, "How are you going Melissa? After Bryce wrote go out and scribbled it out and wrote stay – how've you been?"

Poor Liss is forced to explain that they spoke about it, and she told Bryce that she was injure and embarrassed. Bec'southward time to smooth!

one sec, hang on

"Every bit long as there was an apology," she says forcefully. "Because my God that was disgusting behaviour."

Ohhhh god the Queen Bs are straight into it. Do I take to type this out? Surely yous can employ your imagination and it'll be very shut to what actually takes place – Bryce going Why are you lot so obsessed with me and Bec going Why are you such an ARSEHOLE. (Okay, she actually says, "It then happens that Melissa ended upward with the biggest douchebag on the show!" and it'southward awesome.)

the water ice queen has spoken, bitch

It'southward time for the Noble Himbo to step in. He tells Bryce that the reason everyone else is invested in their human relationship is because they care well-nigh Melissa. In fact, "Her loyalty, mate, in my opinion, you lot're not deserving of information technology."

…say more than nice things well-nigh me

Jake very accurately points out that while Bryce might carry on nigh other people sticking their noses in his human relationship, Bryce is the ane who got other people involved at the commitment ceremony, using an exercise designed specifically to focus his attending on his relationship (the stay/leave affair) to phone call Bec out for being a bully.

"That is getting involved in other people's shit. Just stick to your shit," says Jake.

"I have to," mewls Bryce. "I have to protect my wife."

"The way I come across it," says Jake, "you guys do you, right? We'll practice us, and nosotros'll simply go our ways."

Bryce is like That's what I said weeks ago! Conveniently forgetting that he… brought them into his shit once again last night.

Bec still wants an amends only that's never going to happen. "Iam likewise big to apologise to you, Rebecca," says Bryce, once once again demonstrating a shaky grasp on the significant of the words he insists on incessantly speaking.

"And that's where we'll exit it," says Jake. I do love seeing bodily masculine security get up confronting Bryce'due south tremulous shirt-fronting, because goose egg makes that fucking brick look similar more of a pathetic baby than a tall hot himbo confidently finishing the conversation. Also information technology's sexy. Exercise it once more, Jake!

*imbecilic silence*

"Cool," says Bryce. Information technology clearly isn't cool. After it becomes obvious the conversation really has moved on from Bryce's nasty shit-stirring, he summons his lizard sidekick and they head off for a spot of villain monologuing.

yeth, mathser, motht withe of you mathter

Alana takes the opportunity to express her dismay at Jason's blind loyalty to Bryce. She knows that Bryce'due south stunt was incorrect, and it's a massive turn-off that Jason's and then supportive of him – calling the move "heroic"? Actually? That vibrator'due south looking better and meliorate, huh babe?

Liss tin can't handle everyone however talking shit near her hubby and goes for a walk to come across Bryce and Jason. They're both similar What happened! Who'due south talking shit! Tell me!!! She doesn't want to talk about it, obviously. You lot can estimate how well that goes downward.

tin't a girl recreate the sexy Aragorn door-open in peace

Bryce is like, If you're being bullied, I'll bring it up! Melissa is like, No… don't do that. That's what they want.

"They already recall I'm a dickhead," he says correctly. "What take I got to lose?" My god. The thought that Melissa might really not desire the ongoing humiliation of her married man publicly making a prick of himself conspicuously but doesn't occur to him. She'due south trying her best to convince him non to march downward there and hassle everyone, but we all know that no-1 can convince Bryce of anything! Remember? Chafed and aroused!!!

He drags Melissa in to the dining room and takes up position at the head of the table similar an MLM-obsessed uncle who only joined Toastmasters. He's mad equally hell that he walked away and everyone immediately starting talking shit again.

ever wanted to run your own business? accept I got an opportunity for you

"Who brought information technology up again?" he demands, as if he has whatsoever correct. Anybody'southward looking at each other with big "is this guy for real" free energy. Who died and made y'all boss of the group, Bryce? Bec says that Alana was talking about information technology, Alana says that information technology affects her and Jason's relationship, and then Melissa is like Tin can I just say something real quick?

"This has been the near difficult feel of my life," she says. "I am then lucky to have Bryce to support me and I know yous don't come across what I see. Simply I need you to understand the fact that this all keeps getting brought up – it's actually hurting me. I know none of y'all get it, I know y'all don't, you recall I'yard being emotional – just Bec, I'thousand ill of information technology. If Bryce and I are brought up again, I'thou done."

Jake is like Yes, we want to park it besides. Nifty.

Ha ha bitch you thought!!!! Bryce isn't gonna let anyone park annihilation!!

"At the stop of the day you're playing with someone's emotions," he says, doing the contrary of what Melissa wants. Yadda yadda, he'due south only trying to have some other become at Bec, and she knows it.

torso linguistic communication claiming: tell me y'all want to die without telling me yous want to die

"Your ego'due south so big, any time you're not on peak you endeavor to squash everyone around you, Bryce," she says, proving once once again that what ice queens lack in warmth they make upwardly for in mortiferous accuracy. "The conflict isn't betwixt me and Melissa. I have a problem withyou, Bryce."

Bryce is like, Don't talk over the superlative of me, and our noblest of noble himbos has had the fuck plenty. He's on his feet.

"Don't stand up and deliver a message to someone who's sitting downwards," he says. "Sit downwardly!"

wait at me. look how hot I am. sit the fuck downwards

"You sit down!" says Bryce, because he's a fucking idiot.

Watching Jake school him is very arousing. He correctly points out that Bryce is the i impacting Melissa. "You knew that she's vulnerable, and you write leave!" Bryce insists on trying to pivot it all on Bec, and storms out (assisted by our favourite hot bouncer, Johnny) squawking, "Yous should probably apologise, Rebecca!"

can't take that in here mate, off ya get, sorry mate, nah can't have it

"Piss off," says Jake. Quite so.

Johnny follows Melissa and Bryce out to the porch and gives them the best advice of the season so far: that the two of them have something potent enough that they don't demand to bear witness it to anyone else. "You don't need to showcase annihilation, y'all don't need to defend it, considering this person trusts y'all," he says. "Who cares what those opinions are?" That's sweetness, Johnny, but Bryce caressimply about those other opinions.

we love you, youth pastor Johnny

Bryce tells the photographic camera that he'south actually quite relieved that he "finally said his piece". Aye, because you've been so shy and retiring and so far!

Back in the dining room everyone is agreeing that Bryce is "and then not worth it". Jake apologises, but he tin can't accept someone stand upwardly and be ambitious like that. We beloved to see it. Johnny tries to explain that it was nice to see Bryce and Melissa calm each other downwardly with their little hug on the balcony and everyone else is similar… Okay whatever.

Alana wants Jason to stand up upwardly to Bryce and become him to alter his behaviour. The cadger appears absolutely distraught at this thought.

*panicked reptile noises*

He just doesn't desire to get involved. Alana says that he shouldn't encourage his behaviour though – similar proverb that Bryce was heroic! Jason gets cranky and shuts downwards. He feels betrayed, like Alana threw him under the charabanc past telling everyone what he said about Bryce'south heroism. Meanwhile Alana is questioning everything about Jason considering who fucking wouldn't? Grow a courage, cadger! You're supposed to be a vertebrate!

A dainty little upside of this whole debacle is that Bec and Jake are feeling closer than e'er. Who wouldn't want to put a ring on this repository of hyper-secure gentle masculine energy?

tell me most your feelings once more, y'all dirty male child

Unfortunately it's brought Bryce and Liss closer likewise. Gross. Allow'due south not dwell on that.

Anybody else is absolutely exhausted from the vicarious tension, and the new couples in particular are thanking their lucky stars that they got paired up with fun sleepover partners instead of psychopathic dummies with a meg unaddressed issues.

what the fuck is that SkyMall microfibre coating about though

Brett's dealing with the disappointment of not patching things upwardly with Booka past jumping into bed with the Mathletes. They seem stoked about this. Is this like when babies skip crawling and go direct to walking?

~it'southward never who you want to exist polyamorous who's polyamorous~

Anyway the real wrap-up drama is plainly Jason and Alana. He feels all betrayed. Yeah yeah, any, can we finish this slow fucking marathon of an episode, please? They accept a fight. Jason is similar, This is why this will never work. You lot bankrupt my trust. He's very dramatically says, "Promise me you'll write leave," so storms off. Oy va voy.

"I don't deserve to be spoken to like this," says Alana over some further dramatic strings and footage of her packing her stuff. And that's the terminate! Give thanks FUCK!!! Previews for next ep are, as usual, Bryce-focused. How I hate that man. Anyway run into you lot then!

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